


cherry wine

by badcyclop



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-01-31 06:51:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 12,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18586018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badcyclop/pseuds/badcyclop
Summary: Ashton loves a man who shows his love through his fists.//The way he shows me I'm his and he is mineOpen hand or closed fist would be fineThe blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine//





	1. Like rum on a fire

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist  
> Cherry Wine (Live) – Hozier  
> Ultraviolence – Lana Del Rey  
> Love on the brain – Rihanna  
> FOOLS - Troye Sivan  
> A Case of You - Joni Mitchell  
> A Change of Heart – the 1975  
> Dear John – Taylor Swift  
> Maybe, I’m Afraid – lovelytheband  
> Like Real People Do – Hozier  
> Deep – Julia Michaels  
> Treacherous – Taylor Swift  
> Robbers - the 1975

Ashton was awoken, when he felt something wet on his mouth. 

The wet thing escaped through his lips, and he felt it touch his tongue. 

His hazel eyes quickly shot open and were immediately met with the icy eyes of his lover. 

Jim pulled away from the kiss and grinned at him. 

“Good morning, baby” he purred. 

Ashton took a moment to regain himself and smiled uneasily back at him. 

“What? You’re not going to return my gesture?” Jim asked bitterly with a cold voice, whilst a sudden fire in his eyes burned through the blue. 

Ashton’s eyes widened. “Y-yes, of course!” 

He lunged forward through the duvets and initiated a kiss, that Jim hungrily returned.

Admittedly Ashton was still tired. He didn’t even know, what time it was, since he had just woken up from a deep slumber. But Jim wanted to make out. So that’s what they’re going do. 

Ashton learned a long time ago to just follow along. But it was okay. Jim was the more dominant one in their relationship, and that’s normal. That’s how relationships work. He was also older. It made sense, he reasoned.

After what Ashton guessed to be ten minutes of making out, they finally separated. Jim was lying on top of Ashton, but suddenly he rolled off him and out of the bed. 

“I’m gonna take a piss,” he said without looking back at him. 

Ashton stayed in the bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to regain his breath. He sighed to himself and considered going back to sleep. But Jim would probably be back soon, so instead he decided to make them breakfast. 

He padded barefoot to the kitchen only wearing his plaid pajamas bottoms. He found a pan in the cupboard by the stove and fried some eggs. He then set the table, took some toast from the toaster and OJ from the fridge. 

Jim still hadn’t come back from the toilet yet, so he decided to wait. His stomach grumbled in protest, but the ringtone on his phone drowned it out. 

He smiled, when he saw the caller ID and immediately picked it up. 

“Hey Cal,” he greeted happily, forgetting about the cold eggs and toast. 

“Hey Ash, glad to hear, you’re awake,” he replied back just as happily. 

“Yeah,” he said shortly. “Honestly, I don’t even know, what time it is. Jim woke me up like 20 minutes ago. “

“Buddy, it’s like eight am, don’t worry about it, “he laughed. “Anyways, I just wanted to tell you about this party on Friday. Ashley’s parents are out of town!”

“And you couldn’t tell me about this at school, because…?” The annoyance was clear in his voice with a hint of amusement. 

“Don’t be such a party killer. I just wanted to fill you in, before everyone in the school is gonna talk about it. Anyways, are you in?”

He hesitated. “I don’t know-” He shut up, when Jim entered the room. He was dressed in a suit and pecked his lips, before he sat down at the table and ate. 

“Who are you talking to?” Jim asked lifting his brows. At the same time Calum called Ashton’s name through the phone. 

“Hold on, Calum,” he said and removed the phone from his ear. As if Calum hadn’t heard him, he kept shouting Ashton’s name. As endearing as it was, it was also annoying Jim. He could see it in the way, his eyes flamed up. 

“It’s just Calum,” he explained with a slight panic laced in his voice. 

“And what does he want?” Jim asked coldly. 

“He just wanted to invite me to a party this Friday with my friends from school.” 

“And you wanna go?” he asked, looking skeptical. 

Ashton nodded. He really wanted to go, but he was afraid of getting his hopes up. If Jim sensed, he wanted it too much, he might not let him go just out of spite. 

“But I wanted to hang out with you. Just the two of us,” Jim said, his eyes sparkling, adoration shining out of his eyes. It was looks like this, that made Ashton remember, why they were together. Not that he ever would forget, of course. 

He nodded and with a clenching heart he picked up the phone again. 

“Sorry, Calum. I can’t go, I have plans with Jim,” he said. He heard Calum protest, but he continued: “I have to go now, see you in school in like an hour.” 

He then hung up the phone and sat down in front of Jim, who was now checking his phone, not even sparing him a single glance. 

Ashton sighed and ate the cold food in silence.


	2. Mama, don't fuss over me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: minor violence

“What’s that on your eye?” Anne Marie asked her son worriedly, referring to the bruise that covered Ashton’s left eye.

“It’s nothing,” he injected.

“It could be infected. How you gone to the doctor yet? It’s swelling. When did you get this? What happened?” she continued with her stream of questions.

“Mom, it’s clean, I promise. I know, it looks ugly,” he sighed. “Please stop fussing over me. “

“How did you get it?” she repeated and narrowed her eyes.

“I got it during gym class,” he lied seamlessly. He knew his mom already was sceptic about Jim, and how little they now saw each other, after he had come into the picture. He didn’t want to give his mom another reason to hate his boyfriend.

His bruises rarely bled, but Jim had been wearing a ring. Honestly, it had been an accident. He had apologized profusely, after he had calmed down. With blood dripping down the outer corner of his eye like a tear, Ashton had assured him, that it was okay. He was fine. After all the blood was rare.

_He had left Jim’s place at 8:30, so that he could be at school at 9. After school he had gone back to his boyfriend’s apartment and waited for him to come home from work. He had been working a big case these past few weeks and often got home late. Ashton was fine with it, albeit a bit bored. He’d rather hang out with Calum, but Jim wanted him there, when he got home._

_He startled on the couch, when he heard the door slam. Jim’s muscly figure entered the living room. He looked tired. His blonde hair was all over the place, and his tie hung loosely around his neck._

_“Long day?” Ashton asked and started massaging his shoulders, when he slumped into the couch._

_Jim just grumbled in reply. He stood back up from the couch and walked towards the fridge to grab a beer, leaving Ashton’s hands empty in the air, where his shoulders had been._

_Ashton knew this was probably not a good time, but Calum, Luke and Michael had been pestering him about the party the whole day._

_He took a deep breath. “About Friday…” he started._

_Jim spun around, beer clutched in his big hands. “I’m busy with work, so we’ll have to reschedule our date,” he said._

_A small hope was ignited in Ashton, even though he knew, he probably should be upset, so he tried to play it off._

_“That’s fine, I’ll just go the party, then,” he shrugged._

_“So, what? Your immature friends are better than me now? Bet you were waiting for me to say that, huh?”_

_“No! That’s not what I meant!” Ashton tried to explain, but suddenly a sharp pain stung his eye, and his head moved to the side from the impact._

_One second._

_Two seconds._

_Then he realized._

_Jim had just slapped him._

_He then felt a warmth trickle down his cheek._

_He immediately stood up and went to the bathroom to inspect, whilst Jim stood frozen with a beer still in his left hand._

_In the mirror he didn’t recognize his reflection at first. His eye was swollen, and a red fluid trickled down the outer corner of his left eye. If he didn’t know any better, it almost looked like cherry wine._

_“I’m so sorry.” Jim came to view in the mirror behind Ashton and hugged him from behind. He buried his face in Ashton’s neck. “You know, how I get, when you rile me up like that.”_

_“It’s okay,” Ashton comforted emotionlessly, still staring at his bloody reflection in the mirror without blinking._

__Anne Marie was still skeptic. She didn't fully buy into Ashton’s explanation about P.E._ _

__“This man is no good for you. You’re just a boy, “she said and bit her lip. Sure, Ashton was 19, but that didn’t make him a boy, he thought bitterly. And sure, Jim was a little bit older, but Jim had explained, that it didn’t matter, because Ashton was mature for his age._ _

__“Mom, I already told you. He had nothing to do with it, so just back off. “_ _

__“The more time you spent with him, the more you lose your mind” she tried._ _

__“I’m fine, I swear!” I yelled out in frustration and went to my room._ _


	3. Forever going with the flow

Ashton was lying in his bed just staring at the ceiling. This happened a lot recently. Sometimes he could just stare into space for forever, until someone interrupted him. It should scare him, but he couldn’t really find it in himself to care. 

He was suddenly dragged out of his muddy thoughts, when he heard the door to his room creak open.

He just assumed it was his mom, who finally had decided to apologize, so he kept staring upwards.

A weight was added to the left side of his mattress, and he felt a body lie down next to him.

“I’ve been calling your phone for hours.”

The almost deafening silence had been broken, and Ashton finally turned his head. He recognized his best friend’s dark hair, but he didn’t reply. He couldn’t muster the energy at the moment.

“What happened to your eye?” Calum asked, his brows knit together in a frown. He left his hand up to touch the bruise, but Ashton flinched away.

A soft look replaced the frown on Calum’s face.

“I ran into a door,” Ashton finally breathed out, displeased with having to talk about it yet again. But secretly he was happy about the company.

“Bullshit,” Calum blurted in reply. Ashton closed his eyes to avoid his gaze and swallowed.

When he didn’t say anything, Calum decided to continue: “I’ve been so worried about you lately.

“Your mother was out of her mind, when I arrived. We worry about you, Ash. Please just tell us, if there’s something wrong. Tell _me_. “

Calum was now sitting up on the bed, looking straight at Ashton, who finally opened his eyes.

“I said, I ran into a door,” he stubbornly replied.

Calum’s jaw clenched in frustration and anger. For a minute Ashton was scared of him. Calum noticed this and unclenched his jaw, a soft look immediately replacing the hardness. “I’m not mad at you. I could never be, I’m just frustrated. “

“Frustrated at what? I’m just telling the truth, if you don’t like it: leave!”

Underneath his frustration Ashton knew, that he was just trying to help him. The last thing he wanted was to push Calum away. But he didn’t like, how he doubted him.

“I’m not just gonna leave you. But if it really was just the door, you shouldn’t get so upset over it,” Calum tried to reason.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” he said and then they were embracing each other. Ashton buried his face in Calum’s shirt and inhaled his scent. Calum’s hugs always calmed him down and put him in a better mood.

They had been best friends, ever since they could walk.

They had attended the same kindergarten and just followed each other ever since.  When they started school, they joined forces with Michael and Luke. That’s how their little four clover was formed.

When they ended the hug, they laid down next to each other. Calum was on his side, turning towards Ashton, and he had his arm around his middle.  Even when Ashton fell asleep, Calum couldn’t take his eyes off him.

It was like he was quicksand. Calum was just skin and bones going with the flow, but Ashton was like friction. He didn’t know how long he had been feeling these strong feelings for his best friend, but when he saw him with Jim, he couldn’t help, but feel, he deserved something better. Something bigger. Not just an older guy with a fulltime job, who couldn’t spare Ashton an hour of his day. But someone who would actually be there for him and listen to him. His heart skipped a beat at this realisation. 

Finally, Calum couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and fell asleep next to his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed Josh's name to Jim  
> Points to you, if you can guess why


	4. Fist-fighting with fire

Ashton was awoken, when he felt a tingle near his scalp. He slowly opened his eyes, savoring waking up peacefully for once. 

Hazel eyes met brown, and Ashton’s eyes widened. For a split second he had forgotten the events from the day before, but the memories quickly came rushing back taking over his peaceful state.

He needed to call Jim and apologize, he reminded himself.

“What are you thinking about?” Calum’s rough morning voice broke the silence. His hands had stopped rubbing slow circles through the other man’s curls.

Ashton considered his options for a second but decided against mentioning Jim for now. He knew Calum wasn’t overly fond of his boyfriend at the moment. Just like this mother, he thought bitterly to himself.

“We need to get ready for school,” he said instead and got out of his bed.

Calum got up as well. They had both only slept in their boxers, but since they had been best friends for so long, they didn’t find it weird. Maybe some friends weren’t so comfortable around each other, but Ashton and Calum had always been close.

When Calum went to the bathroom, Ashton put on some jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, avoiding the mirror near his dresser.  

They had done this routine ever since they were little. But since Jim had come into the picture, they rarely shared a bed or hung out much outside of school. Honestly, Ashton had missed it. But at the same time, he felt selfish for wanting to spend time with someone that wasn’t Jim.

His boyfriend didn’t like it, when they spent too much time apart from each other. After all they were a couple, so why should they need anyone else? Jim had reasoned.

Downstairs they ate breakfast together, whilst talking about the weekend’s party, which Ashton still hadn’t mustered the courage to tell Calum, he wasn’t going to.

“Your eye looks even worse today, if that’s possible,” Calum suddenly said, and Ashton’s smile immediately disappeared.

He had avoided looking at it, but he knew comments about it would be inevitable. But he had hoped that Calum wouldn’t bring it up again at least.

Instead of answering Ashton grabbed his and Calum’s plates and put them in the dishwasher.  

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Calum said softly from behind Ashton, not missing the way he flinched in surprise.

“It’s fine, I just wish, you would back off,” Ashton finally spoke and turned around to face the tan boy.

He was about to say something more but was cut off by his phone ringing.

He accepted the incoming call and greeted his boyfriend.

“Hey baby, how’s your morning? I haven’t been able to get you off my mind all night,” Jim breathed through the phone.

Ashton blushed slightly, avoiding Calum’s focused gaze. “Just the usual. Calum and I just ate breakfast and we’re leaving for school in a bit.”

“You spent the night with Calum?” Jim’s voice had an edge to it, and Ashton’s hands turned clammy.

“Y-yeah?” he said, trying to remain calm.

“We’ll talk about this, when I get off from work,” he answered and hung up.

He sounded almost jealous, Ashton thought to himself. But also, angry. Ashton didn’t like it, when Jim was angry. Especially not with him. He needed to fix things and apologize to Jim, when they saw each other later. He hated it, when he messed up. Jim knew, he was new to relationships, so hopefully he would forgive him. But he also knew, that he couldn’t keep messing up like this. At some point Jim would get impatient and leave, if he didn’t get his act together.

* * *

 

“Just go anyways. He’s not your mom, he can’t decide for you,” Michael’s voice boomed through the cafeteria.

Ashton had tried to explain to the boys, that he couldn’t make it to the party a few days from now.

“You don’t understand,” he sighed.

Calum sent him a worried look, but Ashton kept his gaze firmly planted on Michael, silently wishing that he would just drop it.

“Then help us to,” Luke intervened.

“He’s angry enough with me already,” he spoke truthfully. “And he said, he doesn’t want to go, so…”

He didn’t want to piss off Jim any more than he already had. But at the time, he really wanted to go the party and hang out with his friends.

“What if…. he didn’t know?” Calum speculated, and Ashton’s widened gaze immediately met his. Luke and Michael instantly caught on to the idea and started planning the whole thing along with Calum, whilst Ashton sat back lost in his thoughts. _Maybe that would work…_

But a nagging feeling couldn’t help but make him fwonder, what would happen, if Jim found out


	5. You look so cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: minor violence

When school finished, Ashton went straight to Jim’s place instead of home. He knew, they had to talk it out.

During school his friends hadn’t commented too much on his bruise. Michael had made a quick off-handed comment, but that was about it. He was thankful for it, because he didn’t know, if he could bear lying any more than he already was. He knew that Calum would bring it up again, but he would worry about him later.

When the bell had rung, all, he really had wanted to do, was to lie in his own bed and sleep for four years. But he knew, he couldn’t avoid his problems forever.

But when he entered Jim’s apartment, he really wished, he had followed up on that idea. He could feel an unwelcome atmosphere, as he entered the living room.

Jim was sitting on the couch with his computer in his lap. “Ah, glad you could make it, “he sarcastically greeted Ashton.

“Of course,” Ashton murmured, taking seat in the chair across from his boyfriend. It made him uncomfortable, when Jim was in a mood like this. He had to tread carefully. 

“So, tell me why you decided to spend the night with Calum instead of me?” he asked, finally directing his attention fully to Ashton.

Ashton swallowed, planning his next words carefully. “He’s my best friend, we’ve hung out ever, since we were little. You know that. “He made his tone as soft as possible, hoping Jim would just drop it.

But Jim was never one to lose a fight, so he stubbornly kept going, until Ashton finally had enough.

“What did you say?” Jim asked looking perplexed by Ashton talking back for once.

“I said: stop treating me like a child” Ashton spoke up, but immediately regretted it, as Jim’s fist suddenly connected with his cheek.

“That’s because you are one!”

The blood was rushing to Ashton’s head, and he could barely hear the other man. “But you said…” Ashton started with a quivering voice, unable to finish his sentence.

“What did I say, huh?” Jim spat mockingly. “Tell me. What exactly did I say?”

Instead of answering Ashton did his best to hold in his tears, but ultimately, he failed

“When you act like this, you give me no choice,” his voice suddenly turned soft. “Ash, look at me,” but when Ashton didn’t meet his eyes, he roughly grabbed the younger man’s chin an forced it upwards, willing their eyes to meet. “You know, I’m only doing this, because I love, right?”

But to Ashton the words felt empty in his lover’s mouth.

“You love me too, don’t you?” he continued, a sudden vulnerableness appearing in his voice.

Ashton nodded, trying to ignore the fear, that was making his whole body tense. He wasn’t afraid of his own boyfriend. He couldn’t be.

Every inch of fiber in Ashton’s body was screaming as Jim bent forward to kiss him. He didn’t kiss him back at first, too shocked at the sudden turn their fight had taken. But eventually he kissed him back anyways, because he felt, it was the thing to do. The kiss was rough, and Jim’s fingers dug painfully into his chin.

Later, when Jim had gone to sleep, Ashton stared at his reflection in the harsh bathroom light. His bruises stood out against the bags under his eyes. He wondered, how it had come to this. But even though he was lying to Calum and his mother, that didn’t mean, he wasn’t happy, did it?  

When he crawled back into bed, he laid next to his boyfriend, keeping his distance.  Ashton’s cheek still stung, as a plan began taking form in his head.


	6. Maybe all this is the party

The music was loud and followed the beat of Ashton’s heart. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.

He downed another shot along with Michael, as he scanned the living room. Calum and Luke had been missing for a while, but Michael had told him not to worry.

Suddenly his thoughts drifted to Jim and Ashton downed yet another shot. He had lost count a while ago.

He still couldn’t believe that he had lied to his boyfriend like that. The boys had assured him that it would be find. Afterall Jim wasn’t his mom and he didn’t have to ask for permission, when he wanted to do things.

While he knew his friends were right, he couldn’t help but think of how Jim would react if he found out. He wasn’t scared of him, was he? Another shot went down.

He felt light on his feet, so he decided to sit down in a brown leather couch next to a snogging couple.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, lost in his own thoughts, when a weight suddenly dropped onto the cushion next to him.

He turned his head and saw his best friend leaning against the couch looking tipsy and giggly.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Calum asked sloppily.

Ashton couldn’t contain the giggle that erupted from his lips and Calum returned it with a huge smile spread across his lips.

Calum’s heart secretly clenched at the sound of his best friend’s laugh. He had missed seeing him smile and laugh like this. And he had especially missed the sound of his girly giggle, which he never would admit he loved more than anything.

Maybe it was the alcohol pumping through his veins. Maybe it was the throbbing bassline that made his heart beat faster. Or maybe it was the glint in Ashton’s hazel eyes that reflected the disco ball spinning around the living room.

But when he suddenly leaned forward and connected his lips to Ashton’s, he realized that it was none of that.

It was years of pent up yearning. Watching his best friend’s every move, every heart break. Picking him up off the floor, when Ashton received that letter from his father in 8th grade that he never replied to or even opened. It was fetching a band aid and cleansing the wound when he scraped his knee on the playground when he was seven. It was watching him laugh from the passenger side as they sang along to Fall Out Boy on the radio out of breath on the interstate.

It was a cluster of small moments from the day he met him and all the way to where they were now. Sitting here on the couch with the boy that reterraformed his universe.

“Why did you do that?” Ashton suddenly pulled a way with a confused expression evident on his face.

“Ashton, I’m so sorry, I know y-“ Calum started but was cut off when Ashton reconnected their lips.

Whilst Calum closed his eyes and relaxed into the kiss, a thing he had been wanting for years, Ashton’s mind was a whole other story.

He didn’t know why Calum kissed him in the first place. And he didn’t know why he had kissed him back. Or why he kissed him again. All he knew was that he liked the way Calum’s lips felt against his. And in the moment, he drowned out all the background noise and potentially distracting thoughts as he opened his mouth to Calum’s tongue.

But his sudden bliss was interrupted when Calum pulled away again. “Are you sure you want this?” he asked, searching his eyes.

Ashton gave him an affirming nod and Calum grabbed his hand to drag them to somewhere private, so they could work out what the hell they were actually doing.

But when they entered a random bedroom all the sensible thoughts went out the window, when Calum saw Ashton’s messy hair and tired nervous smile. Instead he reattached their lips and lead him to the bed. Tomorrow they could talk. Or just pretend that they were too drunk to remember. Although Calum was sure that he would never forget this night.


	7. Maybe we just do it violently

_“Why are there bruises all over your body?”_

_“Would you believe me if I said I was just really clumsy?”_

_Calum frowned and opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted when Ashton reconnected their lips in a desperate attempt of feeling closer to the boy, whilst shutting him up at the same time. The party downstairs long forgotten._

Stubbles scraped along Ashton’s chin, leaving burns, as rough lips forced his mouth open. He was pushed against the counter, his hips hitting its sharp edge.

He tried to protest or yelp out in pain, but the sound was swallowed by dry lips and a forceful tongue.

Suddenly the action ceased, but the grip around his arm tightened to a point where it hurt.

“What’s that on your neck?”

The blood in Ashton’s vein froze.

“Is that a hickey?”

He didn’t know what to say, so he just stayed quiet.

“Did you cheat on me?” he asked, hurt evident in his voice.

“No, of course not…”

“What’s that on your neck then, huh?”

Ashton shut his mouth, wishing he could evaporate into thin air.  

“I will only ask you one more time,” Jim’s voice boomed, and Ashton shrunk in on himself. “Where were you last night?”

“Nowhere. You probably made the hickey yourself, “he tried to reason.

Suddenly there was a loud bang next to Ashton’s ear and he flinched without registering what had happened. He felt a stinging pain on his face and arms. And that’s when he realized that Jim had thrown a glass after him. It was now smashed to pieces next to his feet. He looked down and notice glass shards in his arms. He felt blood dripping from it along with his temple.

“You went to the party, didn’t you?” Jim screamed. “You couldn’t wait for me to leave, huh?”

“Yes, I did go to the party. But you have no right to be mad at me. I can make my own decisions and fend for myself, “he finally spoke up.

 “That’s where you’re wrong. I know what’s best for you. “he interrupted. “You were nothing before me. And without me, you will be nothing again. “

Tears filled Ashton’s eyes. “That’s not true, “he croaked.

But Jim continued. “You were filled with poison, but I sucked it out. Without me, you will choke. “

“No,” he protested.

“You were poison ivy. You hurt everyone around you, I am your cure. “

“You’re mad, thinking you could ever save me!” Ashton cried out. “I don’t need you to fix me!”

Jim started laughing. “You can’t leave me, you love me. “

Ashton closed his eyes willing himself to wake up and the old Jim to return. The Jim he had met five months ago when he fell off his bike. He drove him home that day and made sure he was okay. After that they had exchanged numbers. He was Ashton’s first real love. No, he _is_ Ashton’s first real love, he reminded himself. He had been there for him and listened to Ashton’s late-night talks, when he would tell him about the hole in his chest that no one knew about. He had assured him that everything was going to be okay repeatedly.

And when Ashton’s mom had shunned him for his relationship with the older man, he had wrapped his arms around him and told him that he loved him. Jim had then gone off about his plans for the future, which had involved Ashton and him moving together in a small cottage by a lake. Ashton had smiled at that idea and told him that he loved him back.

The difference between that day, three months ago, and now was that back then Ashton wasn’t sitting on the floor covered in black bruises and his own blood. Back then Ashton’s ribs didn’t hurt from being pushed by his boyfriend. Back then he had smiled more than ever. Right now, he couldn’t even see a reason to try.

“I need a smoke. I can’t deal with this-“ he said, gesturing vaguely at Ashton “-right now”

_Calum’s lips traced the bruises littering his torso. Making sure to softly touch all the blue and yellow marks on his best friend’s tan body._

_“I wish, he didn’t hurt you. “_


	8. Praying the floor won't fall through

He didn’t know how long he had sat on the floor like this. He hadn’t moved an inch since Jim left.

He had half a mind to call Calum to pick him up. Or even Luke or Michael. But he didn’t want them to see him like this.

Tears tracked down his cheeks mixing with the blood. The salt made his wounds sting, but he didn’t care.

The deafening silence was broken when the apartment door burst open and Jim ran in.

“Fuck Ashton, I’m so sorry. I just needed to calm down. I didn’t mean anything, I said. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he said in one breath. Brows furrowed together in concern.

Ashton kept staring down at his crimson red hands, not meeting Jim’s ocean eyes.

“I just get so jealous, thinking about you with somebody else. But I know it’s my own fault. I pushed you into this, “he continued. “I’m gonna change. I promise. I wanna change. For you. “

Ashton finally looked up. “I think- “he started “- I wanna go home. “

Jim paused and for a moment it looked like he was about to protest. “No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I’ll drive you. “

He grabbed his keys and went to grab Ashton’s hand to pull him up, when he finally took notice of all the blood.

“Shit,” he swore to himself. “We need to clean you up. I’m so sorry, I swear.”

“You keep saying that,” Ashton muttered, but let him help him anyways.

Ten minutes later they were sitting in Jim’s car.

“Well, I guess I should go,” he finally said, breaking the awkward silence.

“Of course. I’ll call you,” Jim said, when Ashton opened the door. And before he closed it again, he heard an “I love you” escape from his boyfriend’s lips. But the door was already closed, when Ashton registered the words. Or maybe it was just his imagination.

He walked up the patio not looking back at the black Mercedes. When he entered the house he gently shut the door behind him and crept up the stairs to his bedroom. He threw himself onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. Rethinking everything that had happened to him in the span of the last 24 hours.

The party. Calum kissing him. Ashton kissing him back. Making out in a random bedroom. Calum had kissed the bruises on Ashton’s body so gently. He didn’t think anyone had ever been so gentle and soft with him in a long time – if ever. They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, but Ashton had woken up before Calum and untangled their bodies. He left without a word that night, feeling shame about his infidelity.

They hadn’t spoken the morning after. Calum hadn’t texted him and Ashton couldn’t figure out why it bothered him so much. Had he been too drunk? Had Ashton taken advantage of him? A million thoughts had raced through his head as he had made his way to Jim’s place after showering at home.

And now it was in the middle of the night. He was back in his own bed wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets. He had swallowed a couple of sleeping pills and was waiting for a peaceful sleep to overtake his stressed-out state of mind.

But when he finally closed his eyes, exhaustion catching him with him, he failed to see his phone light up his nightstand in the black.

_Calum: you up?_

_Calum we need to talk about last night, I can’t sleep._


	9. This ain't for the best

Ashton woke up from the sound of his phone buzzing. When he checked the time, he discovered that he had received several texts throughout the night.

_Calum: you up?_

_Calum we need to talk about last night, I can’t sleep._

_Jim: please text me when you wake up_

_Jim: I’m so sorry. Just know that I love you and that it will never happen again_

_Jim: I’m gonna change, I promise._

_Calum: I’m coming over later_

_Mom: Hi honey, I heard you coming home last night. I’m making breakfast, feel free to come down._

He put the phone down without responding to any of the texts. Right now, he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.

But that wish was quickly shattered just like the glass from last night, as Ashton heard a knock on his door.

“Go away,” he grunted out.

“You okay in there, honey?” his mother asked through the door. He knew, she wouldn’t barge in unless it was in emergency. She respected his privacy. “There’s someone at the door for you. “

Ashton sat up in his bed too fast, making his head spin. “Who is it?”

“It’s Calum,” she said.

Ashton released a breath, he didn’t realize, he had been holding. At the same time, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His face was a wreck. It was littered with small cuts that almost made it look like he had freckles. He looked at the dark circles under his eyes before he met his own gaze in the mirror. His eyes looked lifeless. Calum couldn’t see him like this, he just couldn’t.

“Tell him I’m still sleeping,” he called out through the door.

Anne gave a displeased hum in return, before she walked back down the stairs.

From his bed he could hear muted voices and a door shutting. He shut his eyes as a tear slid down his cheek.

Hours later he decided that he needed some fresh air to clear his mind. But that meant he had to face his mother, who was undoubtably catching up on Beverly Hills reruns downstairs on the couch.

He put on a hoodie to cover as much as his face as possible before he left his room.  

“Oh hi, glad to see you’re awake,” he heard a voice call out.

Ashton tried to hide his face, but his mom noticed the bruises and cuts right away.

When she saw them, she gasped. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m going out. I’ll be back,” and with that he left his house and started wandering aimlessly down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of boring and short, but i have plans! just wait
> 
> songs i've added to the playlist  
> Perfectly wrong – Shawn Mendes   
> You don’t do it for me anymore – Demi Lovato  
> Jet Black Heart – 5SOS  
> Drive – Oh Wonder   
> Sad Forever – Lauv


	10. Nothing is better sometimes

Ashton sat on the bleachers looking out at the football field. He hadn’t worn a jacket and the hoodie didn’t do much to keep him warm at this point. He didn’t know when he had left home and he didn’t know what time it was now.  

“What are you doing here?” A voice suddenly shook him out of his thoughts. “It’s Sunday, you know? We don’t have to be in school until tomorrow?”

Ashton smiled carefully. “I could say the same to you,” he responded.

“I’m walking Petunia, “Luke answered, and Ashton’s gaze shifted down to the big bulldog-terrier by Luke’s feet. Petunia made her way towards Ashton and started sniffing, so he petted her in return.

Luke then sat down next to him and they both stared fondly down at Petunia in silence.

At some point Luke’s gaze landed on Ashton and he frowned.

“What's that?” he said referring to a blood stain bleeding through Ashton’s sleeve.

Ashton looked down and without thinking he lifted up the sleeve, revealing a big gash that apparently had opened up again.

“Jim gave it to me,” he simply answered, shrugging like it wasn’t important.

Luke’s frown deepened. “Did you want him to give it to you?”

Ashton shook his head.

“Ash-” Luke started.

But Ashton interrupted him: “Everything is fine.”

“Everything is clearly not fine,” Luke argued back.

Ashton’s gaze shifted away from Luke, afraid of meeting his angry eyes. “No, he’s just a little… he just manhandles me a little sometimes, you know?”

“Is he hurting you?”

Ashton didn’t answer.

“It’s okay… you can tell me. “

“No, I can’t,” Ashton finally spoke up now with tears in his eyes. “If he finds out, it will only make things worse.”

Luke put his arm around Ashton’s shoulder to comfort him, not missing the way Ashton flinched when he touched him. “Everything you say stays between us, I swear. “

Ashton swallowed, seemingly trying to make up his mind.

“I never know when it’s going to happen. Or why. Most of the time it’s because I anger him. But sometimes he’ll just… I’ll say I’m going home or that I’m going to bed… and hell just… he’ll just explode. “

Luke opened his mouth to respond, but Ashton continued: “Sometimes it happens during sex. You know, I used to just… I used to think it was just kinky stuff, you know? Like he was just playful, but… but it’s not…” Ashton started crying but carried on. “It’s not. “

“He likes to see me in pain. He likes to see me scared. And I am, Luke, I am. I’m really scared,” he cried.

“I’m so sorry, “Luke started, concern evident in his voice. “Let me help you, okay? I know you don’t want to tell anyone, but we have to go to the police. “

“No. No police,” Ashton said firmly. “I can’t do that. It’s his words against mine. Besides, he’s not like this all the time. He can be really sweet when he wants to. And he always apologizes afterwards. “

“Ashton, I’m not letting you go back to someone who’s abusing you.”

“He loves me, “Ashton argued. “Sure, he gets too much, and sometimes he scares me. But he can be so sweet as well. “

“Does anyone know? Your mom? Calum?”

Ashton shook his head, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. Luke sighed in frustration.

“Have you seen him since he gave you those?” Luke asked referring to the cuts. He had tried to count them but lost tracks. There were simply too many.

“No. He apologized but I made him drive me home. He keeps texting me, asking where I am. “

“Don’t answer him. “

“Well someone’s gonna tell him, “Ashton bit his thumb worriedly. “Besides he’s gonna find me sooner or later. I don’t really have anywhere else to go. “

“How about this,” Luke started, “you can stay with me. Or at Michael’s or Calum’s. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind either. “

“No. They can’t know. “

“Ash- “but Ashton firmly shook his head. Luke sighed and continued. “All right, well you can stay at my place then. Mom and dad won’t mind, and we have a couple of spare rooms since my brothers moved out. “

Ashton nodded thankfully, and he left the bleachers with Luke and Petunia, feeling lighter than he had in a long time.


	11. Sorry won't save me

Ashton felt like he was drowning. He had his head under water, his lungs screaming for air. He knew he wouldn’t do it. He was too much of a coward to go through with it. But he needed the ringing to stop. And when the water had entered his ear canals, he could almost drown out the beeps from his phone.

Jim had been texting him nonstop since he had gone home with Luke. It was still Sunday.

A knock on the bathroom door forced Ashton to come to terms with reality. He sat up in the bathtub gasping for air.

“Everything okay in there?” he heard Luke’s voice call out. He was trying to give Ashton his space, but he couldn’t help, but worry like a mother hen. Whilst Ashton appreciated this, he needed some alone time. He never got that when he stayed at Jim’s. Sometimes he was practically breathing down his neck. Either out of love or anger. And his mother was always down his throat when he had stayed at his boyfriend’s place for too long.

“Everything is just peachy,” he answered as he emptied the water from the bathtub and wrapped a towel around his waist.

He grabbed his phone and opened the door to face the tall blond.

“Why don’t you just turn it off for a while?” he asked.

“What if something bad happens? I need to keep it on me,” he answered. He remembered last time his phone had run out of battery and he hadn’t been near a charger. When he had finally reached Jim’s apartment, he had been furious over not being able to reach him. Ashton still had the marks to prove it.

“Hey, everything is going to be okay,” Luke smiled reassuringly.

But everything was far from okay. Only Luke didn’t know this. Jim was going to find him, it was only a matter of time.

“My parents are downstairs, he can’t come barging in here,” he continued, like he was reading Ashton’s thoughts.

Ashton gave him a weak smile. He knew that wouldn’t stop Jim, but he didn’t want to worry Luke more than necessary. “Hey, thanks for this, by the way,” he finally said.

“Of course, don’t worry about it. “

Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke’s middle and the taller man engulfed him in a big hug.

The small moment didn’t last long when a knock was heard downstairs.

“Just go to my room, I’ll be there in a minute,” Luke said, as he went down the stairs. “Feel free to grab some clothes.”  

Ashton did as he was told. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a loose from Luke’s dresser and sat down on the bed as he waited. He checked his phone as it had stopped beeping. The silence was a bad sign, he realized, when could hear Luke open the door downstairs. Chills went down his spine as he heard the voice on the other side.

“Hey, I think you have something that belongs to me, “Jim said. Ashton could tell that he was furious, albeit trying to keep it together. At least he wasn’t screaming. Yet.

He staid in Luke’s room too paralyzed to move, but ready to jump down the stairs if he would dare to lash out at his friend. He wasn’t _that much_ of a coward.

“Fuck off. Ashton’s not your property,” Luke sneered as he tried to close the door.

But Jim’s foot stopped the door right before Luke could slam it shut. “I’m the wrong person to fuck with,” he sneered right back.

But Luke wasn’t faced by this. “Like I said: fuck off,” he said as he slammed and locked the door.

Ashton closed his eyes in relief, finally letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

When Luke entered his room, Ashton was crying on the bed. He wrapped his arms around him again and the smaller boy slowly fell asleep as hiccups replaced his sobs.


	12. Super far from home

When Ashton woke up the next morning, reality hit him like a truck. He wasn’t in his own bed. And he wasn’t in Jim’s either. He sighed, rubbing his eyes a little too harshly. He wondered how it had come to this. But he decided to brush off the thought as Luke stirred next to him.

Luke drove them both to school that day. Ashton had protested, wanting to stay home, but Luke had forced him. He insisted that Ashton needed some kind of normalcy all things considered. But Ashton was petrified. When they left the house, Ashton had hesitated. He had scanned the street, looking for the distinctive black Mercedes Jim drove, but thankfully he had been unable to spot it.

When they arrived at school, Ashton got weird stares. He knew he looked like a mess and a half with all the cuts and bruises in his face. But hopefully they just assumed he had been in a fight. Which wasn’t even half a lie.

This was also the day when he had finally faced Calum again. The Maori boy had stared at him the entire morning, making Ashton a bit uneasy. He knew they had to talk about the party, which on this Monday morning felt worlds away to him.

-  
When the bell rang, dismissing their first class of the day, Calum had grabbed Ashton’s arm without warning and dragged him into the nearest empty class room.

“Stop, you’re hurting me,” Ashton said.

Calum hadn’t realizde how strong his grip unintentionally had been and he quickly released it. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he stammered out.

He would never intentionally hurt Ashton. But he tended to do that a lot lately. Why else would he have ignored him the whole weekend? And sent him away when he showed up at his house? Last night Calum had tried again but left when he noticed the black Mercedes outside the house. If Jim was there, he sure as hell wasn’t going to drop by.

“It’s fine,” Ashton assured him as he rubbed the sore spot on his bicep. He could see the concern in Calum’s eyes.

“No, it’s not. I hurt you, Ashton. That’s far from okay,” he said, stepping closer.

But Ashton just shrugged. “I’m used to it,” he mumbled under his breath, hoping the other boy wouldn’t hear it.

But Calum always heard Ashton. It was like he was wearing hearing-aids that was set to Ashton’s channel only and drowned out anything else, when his best friend talked. No matter what was going on around him, he would always zero in on Ashton’s voice. It had calmed him down many times. Ashton’s voiced had assured him that everything would be fine, when he had crashed his dad’s car last year. He had been sure, he would get murdered, but Ashton had talked some sense into him and in the end, after a long period of being grounded, everything had been fine and Calum had lived to tell the tale, just like Ashton had assured him.

When he was on his way to a full-blown panic attack at the beginning of the year, Ashton had simply told him to breathe. And even though Calum had been unable to catch his breath for the following twenty minutes, Ashton had stayed by his side until his breathing finally evened out.

And this is why he heard exactly what Ashton said.

“You shouldn’t be,” he said, looking at him intently. To him Ashton deserved the world. And Jim wasn’t able to give him that.

“Did he find out?” he then asked carefully, afraid of an answer he already knew. He had immediately seen the cuts on Ashton’s face and the dark bruises under his eye remained. Of course, Jim had found out. And Ashton had payed the price. Calum wanted to find him and do something he was sure he wouldn’t regret.

Ashton looked away, but Calum didn’t need a confirmation.

“I’m gonna kill him,” he said, and he meant it.


	13. You wet my eyes

_(directly continued from chapter 12)_

Ashton’s eyes widened at Calum’s statement. He didn’t like this angry version of his best friend. “Violence won’t solve anything,” he said in an attempt of calming him down.

“I’m sick of him treating you like this, you deserve so much better!”

“Oh yeah, like what, huh? You?” Ashton asked, frustration evident in his voice.

“You’re such an idiot. I’ve been in love with you for so long, “he confessed. “But at this point you’re never gonna realize. I literally kissed you, Ashton. Don’t you get that? And you kissed me back.”

Ashton’s heart skipped a beat at Calum’s confession. He didn’t know why a warmth suddenly spread through his body. Honestly, he hadn’t had much time to think about their moment at the party. All he knew was that these moments had put a smile on his lips in despite of the horrible weekend he had had. When he had cried himself to sleep, the thought of Calum’s lips on his, had made him calm down.  “I’m so confused right now, “Ashton deflated. “I need to figure myself out before anything else.”

“And I get that,” Calum said with a soft voice. “And I will be with you every step of the way. Even just as your best friend. _Especially_ like that. But right now, you need to finish things with Jim, before he sends you to the hospital.” _Or worse,_ he thought bitterly.

“But don’t you get it? I’m already dead,” Ashton huffed.  

“What do you mean?” Calum’s brows furrowed.

But Ashton didn’t elaborate. “I can’t leave him,” he simply said.

Calum carefully put his hand against Ashton’s cheek, looking him in the eye. “Ashton, whatever it is, it’s not love. And it’s not healthy, you need to get out, “he spoke softly.

“I cheated on him, Cal. I’m a horrible person,” he said with tears in his eyes. “He loves me so much.”

“Ash- “Calum started.

“He’s gonna kill me, the next time he sees me,” he sniffled. His breathing was getting more and more uneven.  

“That won’t happen, I won’t let it happen,” Calum said, meaning it with every fiber of his being. He would die before he would let anything happen to Ashton _again_. He hadn’t been there in the past. He had failed Ashton. But that was over now. Calum wouldn’t fail again.

“He knows where I am. I stayed with Luke yesterday, but he found us. He’s gonna come back, he’s…” Ashton trailed off.

“How about you stay with me for a while, huh?” Calum suggested, yearning to take care of his best friend, and _crush_ , again. He would feel much better if he was able to keep an eye on the shorter boy.

“But- “Ashton started.

“No ‘buts’, please just let me take care of you,” he said as he embraced him. He could feel the fabric of his shirt turning wet, but he didn’t mind.

In this moment he just wished that he could take Ashton’s pain. He had been through so much already and he didn’t deserve any of it.

“You should call your mom,” Calum said, breaking the silence. “And tell her you won’t be home in a while.”

Ashton nodded and went to wipe the tears from the corners of his eyes, but Calum beat him to it. He softly brushed his thumbs under the other boy’s eyes. He hated the fact that Ashton cried so much. But he would be there to wipe away his tears. He thanked the oceans for giving him Ashton as he looked into his brimming hazel eyes. 


	14. Every fire I've ignited

Ashton entered the empty house with a couple of bags in his hands. He quickly went to his bedroom and started pulling his clothes out of the drawers.

After school he had walked back home to grab some clothes and he would meet Calum afterwards. The boy had promised to pick him up after school, since his classes finished later that day.  

Suddenly he heard a door slam and the pace of his heart immediately quickened and a knot formed in his stomach.

“Mom?” he called out. But he immediately regret making a sound. 

He could hear footsteps downstairs, but they didn’t sound like his mother’s. She stepped much lighter.

 _He_ was here, he realized. Of course, he was.

Ashton went to lock the door or maybe hide, he didn’t know. But before he could get that far he heard a voice call out.

“Ashton? You there?”

And that was the moment he knew he was doomed.

He quickly zipped his bags and opened his bedroom window. Could he make the jump? Surely, he would break a bone, but maybe he would be able to drag himself to a bush and hide. But before he had the time, Jim entered his room.

“What are you doing?” Jim asked, staring wide-eyed at the scene before him, Ashton with his legs halfway out the window.

Ashton gulped. “Look, please just leave me alone,” he said, as he pulled himself back down on the floor. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. “

Jim frowned. “But we love each other?”

Ashton hesitated. _Did he really mean it? How could he be so oblivious?_ “If this is love, I don’t want it, “he said softly. He didn’t want to cause a scene.

But Ashton realized he should’ve kept his mouth shut, as the older man suddenly lunged forward.

Jim’s hands wrapped around Ashton’s neck and he squeezed.

Ashton tried to gasp for air, but nothing would enter his lungs with Jim’s fingers blocking his airway. He was pushed against the wall like a doll, unable to resist or even verbally protest. He simply just focused on getting something – anything – into his lungs, before he would choke to death.

It was like everything was in slow motion. Ashton knew that he was probably going to die if Jim held the pressure around his throat much longer. And somehow, he found peace in that. Most people lived in fear their whole life, wondering how they were going to die. And some didn’t even notice. Maybe they were simply hit by a truck, dying from the impact, or struck by a heart attack. At least Ashton knew he was going to die and had time to come to terms with it.

He stopped struggling as he realized it was useless. Instead he simply looked Jim directly in the eye. Mixed with the ice-cold blue, Ashton noticed that a fire was raging. A fury was being unleashed within him, burning up everything in its way. Everything that Ashton loved about him, consumed by flames.

This wasn’t Jim anymore, he realized. And maybe it never was.

Suddenly the grip around Ashton’s neck went slack. As he let go, Ashton fell to the floor, coughing with every breath. 

“Fuck. I’m so messed up, I know, It’s all because of my dad,” he said as he took a step back from Ashton and sat down on his bed with his head in his hands, sobs wrecking through his body,

Ashton already knew the tale of Jim’s dad. He had told him over a glass of vodka on the rocks, when Ashton had tried to drag him home from a bar, Ashton didn’t want to be at. He knew how he used to get home drunk when Jim was little and beat his wife, whilst Jim listened from his room upstairs.

Aston had found it tragic. But what was even more tragic was that in this moment, Ashton realized that Jim had become the man he loathed.

“Please, don’t leave me. I don’t know, if I’ll survive it,” Jim cried, the sound muffled by the hands that covered his mouth.

Ashton had slummed together on the floor, still gasping for air. His neck hurt, and his throat was making a weird hoarse sound with every gasp he took.

He just sat there as Jim cried.


	15. Like sleep to the freezing

At some point Jim fell asleep on the bed. Ashton’s tailbone was hurting from the fall he had taken, and his throat was still sore and probably bruising, but his breathing had evened out. Carefully he picked up his bags. He had to meet up with Calum anyway, he could arrive any minute, and he really didn’t want to be around Jim ever again.

Ashton glanced at Jim for hopefully the last time. He watched the way his blond hair fell on his forehead and his closed eyelids that hid his piercing blue eyes that he once had adored more than anything. When they first met they had reminded him of the calm ocean, but as the months passed he came to realize that this ocean was far from calm. Ashton had witnessed and survived storms and tsunamis. And he couldn’t wait to step out of the water and finally breathe on his own for once, without Jim’s constant resuscitations every time he got close to drowning or swallowed the water into his lungs.

Ashton felt a breeze go through his hair as he carefully grabbed the door know. He knew it was probably just from the open window but at the same time, he felt like he could faintly smell the sea.

He continued down the stairs and made his way through the hallway, praying that he would make it.

As Ashton went to grab the door handle, something grabbed his arm and he hissed out in pain.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Jim was awake. _Fuck,_ Ashton cursed to himself.

“Let me leave,” he answered defiantly. He was faking confidence, but he was screaming internally.

“All my friends kept saying that I’m way to good to you,” Jim chuckled. His previous aggravation seemingly forgotten. “I guess they were right. “

“I’m not happy with you and you know it. Why can’t you just accept that?”  

Jim pushed him against the wall, pinning him by his shoulders. “If I can’t have you, no one can,” he breathed.

Ashton felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but in this position, he couldn’t do anything to check it.

“Is that him? The one you cheated on me with?” he almost spat. “Please don’t leave me for him. You are all I have. “The switch from anger to vulnerability was sudden. But that’s what Ashton had come to expect with Jim.  

“I can’t be that for you anymore, it’s not healthy.” Ashton hated how weak his voice sounded. But what he hated more in this moment was how inferior he felt. He was no match for Jim’s strength. He always seemed to have the upper hand both in their fights and conversations. Ashton was nothing put a puppet on a string to him.

“At least tell me who it is you’re leaving me for.”

“I’m not leaving you for anyone. I’m leaving, because I don’t want to be with you anymore,” he pleaded for him to understand.

But instead of listening Jim snatched the phone from Ashton’s pocket and read the text out loud, whilst still keeping Ashton pinned against the wall.

“ _’Traffic jam, so I might be late. See you soon, Ashy’”_ Jim was almost frothing at the mouth. “Of course, it’s him. I knew it! And you told me not to worry, didn’t you, you… you bitch!” he finally screamed.

“We’re best friends,” Ashton whispered.

“Does he know that?” Jim asked, his voice full of spite. “Or are you playing him, just like you played me? To think I actually believed you. “

“Of course, I didn’t play you. “

“Lies! Lies! Lies!” Jim yelled. “All you ever do is tell LIES.”

Ashton whimpered as Jim tightened the grip around his shoulders. He was so close to the door, if he could just slip out, he would finally be free.

“Please, just let me go, “he tried again.

Something shifted in Jim, as he slowly loosened his grip around him. Ashton warily made his way to the door, afraid that any sudden movements would make the man change his mind.

As soon as he made his way down the driveway he spotted Calum’s pickup truck and he thanked heaven and the gods above or whatever higher power people believed in for the Maori boy.

Calum made his way out of the car with a big grin on his face, but it quickly faded as he spotted the bruises around Ashton’s neck and the tears on his cheeks.

He walked towards Ashton and embraced him in a hug. But Ashton’s eagerness to get closer to the other boy forced Calum to face away from the house and that’s when he spotted the Mercedes.

“Is he still in there?” he asked. Ashton wasn’t able to read him with his face muffled against his shirt, so he simply nodded.

Calum gave Ashton a last squeeze before he let go. “Go wait in the car,” he said as he looked towards the house.

“Calum,” Ashton started, immediately feeling the tension radiating from the taller boy. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m only doing what I should’ve done a long time ago,” he said.

“Calum, please, let’s just drive, I don’t want to be here anymore.” He tried to shove himself between Calum and his house, but Calum was both bigger and more determined than Ashton as he continued his path of revenge.

Ashton finally realized that it was hopeless when he heard the door slam shut behind him.


	16. Chasing pain with an excuse

(directly continued from chapter 15)

“So, you’re the one that has been fucking my boyfriend behind my back?” Jim finally said.

“So what if I have?” Calum asked. “I treat him better than you ever could.”

Calum was only adding fuel to the fire that was burning in Jim’s eyes and Ashton was shaking in fear.

Calum realized this and put himself between him and Jim. “Go wait in the car,” he whispered in his ear, repeating his words from earlier.

But Ashton knew he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if something happened to the other boy. This was his fight to take, so why was he standing there cowering?

“Was this your plan along? I didn’t trust you for a reason,” Jim spat back. His fists were clenched by his side, and every panic alarm in Ashton’s system was ringing right now.

“Of course, it wasn’t. But the minute you laid your finger on him, you became my problem. “

The stare down between the two men was intense and for a minute Ashton felt like Bella in those bad Twilight movies he had watched with Calum, Luke and Michael when they were 13. Except Ashton was done being the victim and he didn’t want anyone to decide for him anymore. He had found Edward creepy and manipulating anyways.

“Jim,” he finally opened his mouth, trying to get the blonde’s attention, whilst looking over Calum’s shoulder. “I think we both knew that this wasn’t going to last. “His voice was shaking from fear.

“What are you talking about?” Jim asked, looking genuinely confused.

Ashton gathered up all of his courage as he finally voiced his frustrations. “I don’t want to be your punching bag anymore. And if you can’t see that, that’s your problem. Not mine.”

“You don’t get to just leave me like that, like I’m nothing. “Jim started walking closer to them but Calum cut him off half-way and pushed him back.

“Don’t go anywhere near him ever again,” Calum threatened.

And that’s when Jim lunged at Calum and tried to get a punch in. But Calum had already expected it and ducked.

Ashton wanted to step in. He really did. But the fear was paralyzing. He didn’t want Calum to pick his fights for him and he really wished the Maori boy hadn’t shown up. For his own sake. But for selfish reasons Ashton was glad he had arrived. Glad that he still had his best friend on his side after the last five months of his short-lived relationship with an older man he never should have dated in the first place. Jim had tried to push Calum and his other friends out of his life, but luckily, they had resisted.

A sickening crack was heard from the fight and Ashton’s eyes snapped up, dreadful thoughts already filling his head. What he saw was blood. A lot of it. But this time he didn’t find that it looked sweet as the cherry wine that had spilled from his bruised skin all those times in the bathroom mirror. Instead it looked gruesome.

It was pouring from Jim’s nose and Ashton realized that Calum had gotten a good punch in and consequently broken the other man’s nose.

Ashton suddenly ran forward and grabbed Calum’s hand, mindful of his bruised knuckles.

“Please, let’s just drive,” he pleaded in a whisper.

Calum was panting and still stood loomingly above Jim who had crumbled to the ground in pain. But when he felt Ashton’s hand in his, he squeezed back and sent him a comforting smile.

And for once Ashton wasn’t so afraid. Because he knew Calum would never turn his anger towards him in the way that Jim had done. And maybe, just maybe, if he could just figure his mess of feelings out, they might stand a change.


	17. The waves come after midnight

They drove around in Calum’s car for hours. In the start Calum drove as far he could get away from their town in an hour. They felt like Bonnie and Clyde on the run. Calum had one hand on the stirring wheel and the other was interlaced with Ashton’s fingers.

But in the end, they knew that they had to drive back. They couldn’t run forever. Besides, Ashton had received some worried texts from his mother asking about the blood on the pavement in front of the house. He had also gotten several voicemails from Jim that he was ignoring.

When they parked in front of Ashton’s house, he wasn’t ready to let go of Calum’s hand yet. He felt like it was the only thing that was keeping him sane in this moment. Even though they hadn’t talked for most of the drive, he had never felt more understood or safe.

“Stay the night?” he whispered. He didn’t know why he felt so fragile and insecure in this moment. But if Calum was to decline him, he wasn’t sure if he would sleep at all.

“Of course,” Calum said and smiled warmly.

When they laid down in bed together, that’s when Ashton finally broke down. He was exhausted, and he hadn’t expected it to make it until midnight. He was thankful for being alive, but this day had simply just been terrible to him.

Calum stroked his hair and whispered comforting words until Ashton fell asleep.

  * .



A loud bang was heard downstairs and Ashton immediately stirred awake. His head was buried in Calum’s chest and he pushed himself up along with a slowly awakening Calum.

“What was that?” Calum grunted tiredly.

Ashton shrugged in response and they got up to check it out. On the way down the stairs Ashton grabbed the other boy’s hand for moral support.

Down in the living room they met an equally confused Ann Marie. She was staring at a broken window and went to pick up an object from the floor.

She turned around and Calum and Ashton could see that it was a brick with a paper tied to it.

“What does it say?” Ashton carefully asked, like he was afraid of the answer.

But his mom didn’t reply. Instead she got her phone out of her pocket. “I’m calling the police,” she finally said.

“Mom, what does it say?” he asked again.

She sent Calum a look and he realized that it was bad.

“Hey, Ashton. Let’s go sit down,” he calmly said.

“It’s from him, isn’t it?” he asked defeatedly.

“From who?” asked Ann Marie, concern evident on her face. She sat down opposite of the two boys, already having called the cops, who had sent a patrol.

“Jim,” Calum explained for the smaller boy, who seemed unable to string words together into sentences at the moment. “They broke up.”

“Are you gonna tell me what happened, Ashton? And while you’re add it, you might also want to tell me about the blood outside,” she urged on. And that’s when she noticed the bruises around her son’s neck. “Did he do that to you?” she asked with anger burning in her voice.

Ashton simply nodded.

“When the police come, you need to press charges,” Calum joined.

Ashton gulped. Yes, he could press charges and Jim would probably get locked up. But what would happen when he got released? Would he come after him?

“I’m scared,” he admitted.

“And that’s okay,” Calum said as he grabbed his hand. “But I’m not leaving your side. Not now. Not ever. “

To Ashton, Jim was two different people. There was the before-Jim, the one he had fallen in love with. The one who kept leaving him long voicemails where the only thing Ashton could hear was his sobs. After the first three he had stopped listening to them. Then there was the after-Jim. The one that had made Ashton fall out of love. The reason why Ashton flinched at loud noises and sudden quick movements.

“If you’re not pressing charges, I am,” Ann Marie spoke up. “That note on the brick? It was a death threat. If you think I’m gonna let that man come anywhere near you again, you’re dead wrong.”

Ashton nodded and collapsed against Calum’s side, as they waited for the cops to arrive. Ashton shivered due to the cold draft from the broken window and Calum wrapped his arms around him to warm him. Ashton looked up at his tan face, finally taking in his best friend’s features properly. He noticed his long eyelashes and how his eyes crinkled when he smiled down at him. Ashton smiled back and the knot in his stomach unraveled when he saw the blue blinks reflected in beautiful brown eyes.


	18. My heart hurts so good

Calum hovered above Ashton, whose head rested between the other man’s elbows.

Their lips were so close that they could feel each other’s breath. They were staring softly at each other, enjoying the moment. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of their breathing.

Sometimes Calum would find himself lost in Ashton’s eyes. He couldn’t decide if it was a choice, getting swept away by his best friend like this. But no matter the reason, he didn’t mind it at all.

They were so close that they were out of focus to each other. Calum leaned in closer, his arms shaking a bit from holding himself up, but he kept the position until the gravity slowly came to much.

He remembered his physics teacher explaining their class how Newton had discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. The class had laughed at the silly tale, but in this moment Calum gained a new appreciation for the forces of nature. The forces of nature that had led him to meeting Ashton all those years ago. Those who now led him to slowly capture the other man’s lips against his. Ashton was the apple, lips so sweet, awakening realizations upon realizations in Calum.

In many ways Ashton was his first. His first best friend. His first crush. He was the person who was there when he had his first beer and his first cigarette, along with his first hangover the morning after. And even though Ashton wasn’t his first kiss, he had still been there, encouraging him through all his anxiety and expectations for it. What Ashton hadn’t known, was how Calum had closed his eyes, imagining the person, he kissed was someone else. He didn’t know about the disappointment Calum had felt when he opened his eyes and was met by green instead of hazel eyes. In this way, Ashton had also been Calum’s first secret. A secret so precious he never voiced out loud or even thought dare dream about too much, afraid of the crushing reality of shattered hopes.

But in this moment Calum felt freer than he had in a long time. His secret was out in the open. And he knew Ashton felt the same.

Maybe Ashton hadn’t been hiding the same feelings that a young Calum had developed. Maybe it had taken him a little bit longer figuring himself out. Growing up without a father, taking care of his mother, his priorities had simply been different from a young age. He had never stopped too long to question his feelings or desires and when Jim had come along everything had been different. But in this case different hadn’t only been good.

Now Ashton felt free in a new way. He was free to love Calum, but also to love himself. He knew who Calum was to him and those around him. How he cared too much and wouldn’t hurt a fly. And as Ashton closed his eyes and returned the kiss, the dust in his stomach turned to butterflies.

\- 

In the end it took Ashton a lot of therapy.

Calum had been careful around him in the start, afraid that he was going to break any minute. But when Ashton had proved to be stronger than ever, he had immediately gone back to treating him like he normally would.  

Ashton would spend more time with his friends now. Movie nights with Calum, Luke and Michael where they would watch stupid romcoms and laugh about any corniness and clichés. During these nights Ashton would find himself wrapped up in Calum’s arms without a worry in the world besides how on earth the stupid main characters were ever going to fall for each other. The Proposal had in particular caused a lot of frustration to him, whilst Calum had simply laughed at his worries. In the end they got together, after all.

Some nights were harder than others. Jim was sentenced to prison and the judges had granted him a restraining order in case of an earlier release. It looked like Ashton could look forward to a Jim-free future.

But for a long time, he would wake up from nightmares, his lungs screaming for air. Phantom hands would wrap around his throat in the A.M. and blue eyes appeared when he closed his eyes. But Calum was there with his soft brown eyes and worried bushy brows. He would hold Ashton carefully in his arms as he stroked his fingers through his curls, telling him stories about his vacation to Bali, old birthday parties and movies he had seen. Ashton would curl against his body, listening intently, as his breathing slowly calmed down.

Slowly Ashton's nightmare where replaced both literally and metaphorically with dreams for his future. He started seeing a future that didn't involve blue eyes in dark alleys, bruises littering his body and the sweet cherry wine, he had come to know.

The cherry wine had been addictive in the start, but Calum helped him through his 'rehab'. And he would forever be grateful. Even when he would furrow his brow during long drives and ask Calum why he even was with him. It was in these moments that Calum would park the car and send him a look so indescribable yet so lovingly that it made Ashton lose his breath.

And in these moments Ashton realized that he was undoubtably, unquestionably, indisputable in love with his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the end of Cherry Wine! Thank you so much for reading it!  
> I'm currently working on a Lashton fic called 'Light My Candle' that I hope will be up sometimes in July, I hope you'll guys will read along!  
> Have a great summer!


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